42 days and counting

Thought I’d share few lessons that I am learning from the journey that is life and more specifically through this period of transition. I have 43 more days of living life as it is right now. I have 43 more days of being single, working at Children’s Cup in Swaziland, leading worship at HPC, etc…

It’s interesting what things you learn as your mind begins the process of detaching from where you are. I am learning so much about the Lord, my amazing Lue, family, friends, the people I work with, and, of course, myself! One of the first things I learned is that I can’t give 100% of myself to everyone and everything; I’m learning what/who it is that I need to give myself to 100%, doing that and not fretting about the rest… I work full time during the week from 8 to 5 pm. I also am the worship leader at church and responsible for the 3 worship services we have each work. I have family, friends, the world’s most amazing man in my life, and, most importantly, the Lord Jesus! I only have 24 hours in each day, one mouth, two ears, two hands, two legs, etc. Before this year, my usual way of doing things was to pour all of myself into every possible thing, stretch myself to the point of snapping, snap, get sick, have an emotional breakdown, recover, get up and do the same thing. I don’t think I am alone in this crazy process! J This year, though, God has graciously walked with me so that we are now together on the journey to learning how to rest and truly live life to the fullest. I thought I loved being busy and getting 10 things accomplished at one time. I thought I liked having no space to breathe as I frantically moved from one thing to the next in my day. I thought I like running around like a chicken with my head cut off!!! I really thought I did…until I realised there are things that are so much better…

Things like waking up in the morning and laying in bed for an hour before waking up to have my quiet time, just chilling and enjoying the beautiful morning He designed just for me…things like doing one thing and doing it well and when I’m done be able to lay down, not in utter exhaustion and almost having forgotten why it was I worked so hard, but rather laying down fully satisfied and fully aware of what I did, why I did it, and why He’s smiling with me about it…Things like saying no to people or events or tasks, realising I am not God’s solution to every problem, I am not responsible for every task, I can say no, I’m allowed to say no, not out of being stupid or unhelpful, but out of the freedom of knowing what is my responsibility and what is not…Things like watching the stars or taking a walk just for the sake of it…Things like having moments even days where there is not one thing I HAVE to do… Things like learning how to bake bread (still in the process!J)… Things like actually writing that note or email or making that phone call or going on that coffee date…Things like looking at the clouds as you drive/walk down the road, fully aware that the beautiful colours are JUST FOR YOU….Things like laughing until it hurts, yes, laughing… Things like listening to the man of your real life share his heart and realising more and more how awesome and good God is…. Things like late nights with the siblings just because you can!!! J… Things like spending a day with a friend and truly enjoying their presence… Things like realising how much I am loved and how much love I have to give…

The only constant...

...is Christ! On a day like today, when neither makes sense nor feels right to 'continue', the only thing that 'makes sense' is Him, He truly is my sanity today, right now, and I am thankful. I could write lines and lines about the suckiness, I already have :-), so not I am writing lines and lines about Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, His promises. He is good, He is here, He is just and merciful and kind and gracious...and so as this day sucks right now and might continue to suck, I choose to be 'an imitator of God as a dearly beloved child'...I am loved, I am a child, I will choose to be like my AWESOME DAD...

57 days...

“My love for you is teaching me not to seek ideal circumstances so that I can love you, but TO LOVE YOU IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES! “

I was reading through the notes Lue has written me(one of my favourite things is that he writes me notes, emails, letters…LONG ONES!! J) and I read what I just quoted above. I love writing stuff down because you can always go back to it, and EACH TIME you do, you see SOEMTHING NEW! It’s not because I wasn’t there the first time, you just didn’t see it. I love reading Lue’s notes and emails love and over and over again and seeing new things- things he said that I just may not have heard before. And as I read the lone above, my heart danced, a dance of joy and freedom. Joy, because I know that I am loved and freedom because I know that I am ALWAYS loved!!!

My first love is Jesus- have always been and will always be Jesus! The thing’s that are most important to me always bring me back to His feet. My relationship with Lue, the most important things in my life right now, is a constanct ‘example’ and ‘teacher’ concerning my relationship with Jesus. For one, the concept of re-reading notes and emails- there was a time when I was like ‘I did Old Testament and New Testament survey. I’ve done so many Bible Studies, I’ve read it all, I’m done!’ Of course, I was highly mistaken, and , years later, I open a Scripture I have read over and over and find something new, something that was there before I just didn’t see it…and once again, I fall in love with my first love…and then there’s unconditional love- again, I grew up receiving and giving conditional love. The past 10 months, I have experienced the challenge of giving and receiving unconditional love. I have learned (and am still learning) the selflessness required to give it and the trust needed to receive it…

Happiness…I love Jesus…I love Lue!!! J

In 63 days...

I get to marry this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
http://www.lungilencube.blogspot.com/

So long overdue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's definitely been way to long!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even realize it's been this long. It's been hectic for sure...between Mission of Mercy and Church stuff, I have barely had enough time to sleep!!!! :-) It's been awesome, though, in so many ways!!!...

I have learned a lot from this busy season...I have learned that I love Lungile Ncube with all my heart. He's not perfect and neither am I, but I would choose no one else to spend the rest of my life with and I am so ready to be his wife. Not just because we get to have a wedding and do fun stuff, but because he has become my best friend and being without him is just not an option. He has me...all of me, and I love it!!!...

....I have learned that Jesus Christ is absolutley crazy about me, and I have got to get that around my head. Ephesians 3- I want to grasp the fullnes of His love. I keep gettting glimpses, little showers, I want it all!!!! I never want to be too busy for Him. He really is all that matters, everything else, even the most amazing man, Lu, is just a bonus...Jesus, take me once again! I am Yours!!!

4 months...17 weeks... 135 days...

I remember a long time ago, well more like 10 or so years back J. I remember hearing about these people who did great things for God. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, I want God to use me like that!” I said that without realizing what is required of those whom God will use mightily-faith! I said that without realizing, truly, what faith is- something we cannot create, a gift that the Father gives to His children/

I remember about a year and a half ago telling Natalie that God was calling me to a life of total dependence in Him- for every single thing. I remember saying, “I ‘m ok with that…”

I remember exactly 1 year ago picking up dog poop while house-sitting for Mark and Kay, tears streaming down my face as my heart prayed, “ Lord, I trust that you either have someone 100 times better or the same guy 100 times better( He has given me the same guy a million time better!! J)

I remember sitting in the floor at my parents’ house after getting off the phone my emotions jerking back and forth between sadness and anger as I prayed, “ Lord, you know when we’re suppose to get married and will work out all the details…DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember just a few hours ago as I was driving home listening to the song, “Beautiful Jesus” The lines, “Brilliant Creator, Friend of Mine” struck me. A ll of a sudden, the moon was right there, so close, so beautiful, and it spoke to me, revealed so clearly the revelation of my Father, the Brilliant Creator, the Friend of Mine…the one who has provided so beautifully and so perfectly for Lue and I as we plan to get married in 135 days( 133 day today! J). I cannot begin to tell of all the ‘little’ details He has so beautifully worked out!!!! I got a call from the lovely Shelly Brenan tonight (Thursday night). She happened to remember that I have always talked about wanting to wear a sari to my wedding reception and called to ask if I wanted her to buy me one cause she was going on a missions trip to India !!!! I called Lue and asked him about my dream of wearing a sari to our wedding reception and he said yes in the most beautiful way with the most beautiful words!!!! That is just one example of the many details He is placing so beautifully in place as He weaves it all together!!!

God places dreams in our hearts then HE BRINGS THEM TO PASS. We think of the life of faith as something unusual or ‘special’, but really, if we were to look around us, really look and see the glory of God, we would realize that trusting Him for everything is the most sensible most normal, most natural things to do!!!!

In 135 (133 todayJ) days, I get to begin an amazing new chapter of my life! Jesus, keep you glory always before me…BRILLIANT CREATOR, FRIEND OF MINE!!!

Lists...countdowns...here...

" Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present." Albert Camus
Got that from a white sugar thing while Sarah and I were at Cafe Lingo! :-)
It sounds so lovely and noble and right...actually living it out is another story!...I was at the HPC young adult meeting tonight. It was fun, refreshing. We played games, ate, laughed, etc, good fellowship...at the end Roger started to talk about the goals of the young adults ministry. For a moment, I was excited and started thinking of how awesome it will be to build relationships with evryone...and then it hit me...I'm leaving...I don't want to build relationships with people I'm planning on leaving...who does that??

...as I am typing this, it just hit me that that is exactly what Jesus did. He invested Himself in 12 guys for three years knowing very well how and when it would all 'end'. He knew Judas would betray Him, Peter would deny Him, He would die, rise again(PTL!!!!:-)) and then go back to heaven...but He still was ablet to be fully involved, fully present, and pour Himself wholeheartedly into these relationships!!!...

...I understand that in my head, and even accept it in my heart...I think now its a matter of what that looks like on a day to day basis...at church...when having converstaions...when hanging out...etc...He did it, so I guess asking Him to show me how would be a good idea...so that's what I'll do...ask Him to show me how to do this, the way He did it...