Give us strength!!

A little boy died a couple days ago. He had been lying in a hospital bed for months. We stood around his bed, mourning this loss. We cried; I cried a lot. I looked at his empty bed, and, realizing he really was gone, I cried even more. This little boy had been so sick, he didn't even speak. He never smiled. He would just lay there. Sometimes he would cry, or at least try to cry. I hoped he would get better, and looked forward to the day he would speak, laugh. That day did come, just not the way I was expecting.

After leaving the hospital, I had a driving lesson with my dad. It was the best driving I've ever done, the best lesson I've ever had. I wasn't irritated by my dad( which I pretty much always am especially during driving lessons). I was so calm, peaceful. The little boy who died was named Siphamandla which means give us strength. I prayed and hoped that God would give him strength so he could talk again and run around like other little boys. Instead, God gave me strength, to love (my dad) when I didn't feel like, to rest ( and not be stressed about my inability to balance the clutch and gas pedals!!), to be more like Christ even when the world isn't watching and applauding!

I am crying now as I think about the fact that Siphamandla lived only six years of his life, spent his last few months in pain, and didn't live to see so much more, be so much more. But I am humbly thankful for God's wisdom and grace that has used, once again, sorrow and hardship to bring life, to draw me closer to Him. I am thankful to Siphamandla for the lessons I learned because I was his friend, and I hope, in heaven one day ,we can talk and laugh and play.

I pray for God to keep me broken, to keep me humble, sensitive to His voice, sensitive to the world I live in. He has done just that. He will not let me get comfortable, and even though at times I complain (sometimes about the stupidest things), today I am thankful for the way he keeps me broken.

This whole past week has been a string of reminders, little things here and there that keep me in perspective. I met a lady that is HIV positive, looking after her HIV positive granddaughter. She’s s few year’s older than me, but married to a much older man who had children from a previous marriage (something to do with the culture) and taking care of the whole household. She poured out her heart to Kristen and me. A couple days back, I went on a community walk and saw several homes were children under the age of 10 were all alone all day, pretty much raising themselves because there parents have to go to work, and can’t afford day –care or a nanny. They can barely afford to feed and cloth their kids. I was walking with Lindiwe, a lady who gives herself 200% to the kids in this community and is always smiling.

I am black, African, Zambian. I have been raised here. These things are not new to me, but I think I got used to them. I got used to pain and suffering and things we are never supposed to get used to. I guess I became calloused. I don’t think it was on purpose. Maybe I was trying to keep myself from hurting too much. I don’t know. I just got used to things I’m not supposed to get used to.

Two days ago, I saw pictures of a six year-old boy. It wasn’t an,’Oh he’s so cute’ picture. It was a real picture. He was as thin as you can get. He had bed sores; huge sores so deep you could see his bone!!! He has been lying in the hospital for over 4 months!! He is 6 years old!!!! I flinched when I saw the pictures. Tears filled my eyes. I wanted to just go home and cry. I did. Is this the only child suffering this way in Swaziland or even Africa? No. I am sure there are millions. We’ve seen the pictures, watched the movies; heard the stories. I see them here; all around me. Will my heart break each time I see one? Will I cry for every child that suffers? If I have to, yes, I will. Will that change the world, Africa, Swaziland? Maybe not. Maybe it’ll just change me, and maybe as He changes me, He’ll change a few children along the way. Maybe that’s all He’s asking of me.

I love kids!!!!!

How could you not??

More time to do my hair and make-up??

I got home form work yesterday and just needed a good crying session (girls will understand :-) ). So I took a bath and started to watch Kingdom of Heaven, thinking the intensity of it all will bring me to tears. It didn’t. I fell asleep and eventually went to bed, not knowing the drama that awaited me the next morning!

So I’m currently staying with my friend Bri who’s here for a few more weeks. It’s just the two of us girls so I never lock my bathroom door. This morning I went into the bathroom at about 7, and realised I had forgotten something. When I tried to open the door, it was locked!! I turned the key and it would not open. I tried again, and decided to take my shower, get ready, and then try again. I did. I tried the key for a while, then called Bri and asked her to try from the outside. She did and still it wouldn’t unlock. By this time I was getting terribly frustrated and extremely restless. I was about to start complaining to God( because He could have unlocked it if He wanted, and He didn’t), and He gently reminded me that my situation was not even close to some of the horrible things countless people go through ,and that I needed to have a good attitude about it, so I did. I started to do my hair (thanks for the gel, Kristen), and then I did my make-up. Then I sat on the toilet seat and waited. The security guard came in and tried to help, but also failed. I asked Bri to bring me the book, Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers that I have been reading for a while now. I read more pages than I have in one sitting and really got into it. Eventually, after some time, Roger and Thabo came and managed to do something and get me out. I was so happy to get out of that bathroom!!

More drama: Some of you are aware of the drama I have had with my nose ring. Well, last night I was trying to put it back in after having not had it in all day and it wouldn’t go in. This was not the first time this had happened. I poked away at my poor nose and seriously now have like 3 holes on the left side of my nose. I eventually found the real hole, thank God, and it wasn’t even closed!!!

I still haven’t had my needed “crying session". Maybe tonight. :-)_

The Surrendered Heart

It’s no longer up to me
Relief , great relief
But not without a struggle
I was taught to be in control
God helps those who help themselves
I heard over and over
I knew nothing about surrender
To trust another was setting
Oneself up for failure
To let go
Was death
So when I heard Him say,
Be still and know
That I am God
I was afraid, confused
Did He not know?
How could He ask me such a thing?
He was so kind, so gentle
I couldn’t tell Him no
But I didn’t know how to be still
I didn’t know how to trust
So I pretended
I had been taught that it is better to lie
Than to disappoint
He was not fooled He knew
He was hurt
I didn’t understand
I didn’t know how to be still
I didn’t know how to trust
I didn’t know how to love
So He taught me
It was not like other lessons I’ve been taught
He didn’t force me to learn
He didn’t tell me what to do, how to be
He didn’t just want me to learn His ways
He wanted me to love His ways
He wanted me to love Him
He wanted me
We laughed together often
It seems, though, that we cried
Together even more
Each time I cried, each time I hurt
It seemed that He hurt just as much
If not more
Sometimes we fought, well, I fought
I didn’t understand
I was afraid
So I would put up a wall
And end up running into it myself,
Face first
Sometimes He would just be still
He would let me do as I pleased
Even if I was hurting myself
He never forced me to do anything
He didn’t want a servant
He wanted a friend
We still cry, laugh, and even fight
He still loves me
Only now I love Him too
I understand
I am not afraid
I can be still
Because I know that He is God
This Friend, this Lover of my soul,
He is God

Have I already said that I think Wentworth Miller is hot?

Since this is my first blog on here I think it is only appropriate that I share with you the other options that I had as names for my blog. First I thought of , "For Kristen" because my best Chinese friend Kristen was the one who suggested that I get a blog. Then I thought of, "Redeeming Love" because I just love that book and can really relate to it at this point in my life. But then I thought that was too unoriginal and you know how important it is to be original so I thought of , "His Beloved" which is great and also really appropriate for me at this point in my life.

Obviously I picked none of those because they just didn't feel; right. You know, like when you do your hair in the morning and it just doesn't seem right. "Kehfree Burpas Only" will not make sense to most, and that is why I love it! :0)

Well, that's all for now from the girl who loves to put colorful braids in her hair and is sooooooooo in love with Jesus.