3 more days!!!

I just got a call informing me that one of the children from the care points had passed away. He was about 9 or 10; he drowned. My heart broke, tears filled my eyes, I took a break from my to-do list and reminded myself, once again, what its all about...eternity...

1 week!!!! Omg I am soooooooooooo excited!!!!!!!!! :-)

So I was thinking today about my life, who I was once, who I am now, you know the person I have grown to become. I am obviously still Zinty, but I have also grown, changed, learned, picked up things along the way...and it made me realize how key it is to approach life as a 'student'...we don't come out of the womb as the complete person we are meant to be( knowing everything we are meant to know and stuff), however, we come out of the womb with a mind and a heart that are ready to absorb and 'take it all in' and, as we do we, grow into who we were meant to be...

8 days...

So I feel like I'm wrestling...so I looked up this Scripture cause I was like oh yeah there's a Scripture that talks about that, and then I read it and was like, uhh, don't really understand. So I am going to look at it some more :-), and please feel very free to share your insights...

Genesis 32:24-30

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.

Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.

So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."

9 days...

So, i have kinds of figured out the past few days, well, at least I feel that I can explain it( my need to have things explained is another thing that we-the Lord and I are working on-). You see, I have been living in this place, this new place. I think I can call it Faith-ville. It's the place where faith is no longer optional, but rather necessary, vital, you need it and there's no way around it!! For a long time I lived in this other place where faith was optional. I could choose to have it and other times I was ok without it(cause I would draw from my 'own abilities'. I had come up with a system where my faith in God was selective. He, of course, did not put His stamp of approval on it, but rather graciously brought me 'to my senses'

...and so I embarked on the journey to Faith-ville. On my journey I experienced things such as 'surrender', 'trust', 'brokenness', 'His ways vs my way( His ways winning over mine! :-)), and great joy and peace

...eventually, I arrived in Faith-ville and, well, as a newcomer I have found that, first of all, it took a while for me to realize that I had arrived in Faith-ville and secondly, I did not know 'how to live' in Faith-ville...

...so now I am learning what it looks like being in Faith-ville, and i have just learned one thing that will make my stay here much more 'pleasant'. When you are in Faith-ville, you become more fully aware of your inadequacy, you realize that you are powerless without Him, truly and utterly inadequate and powerless, but with that realization, must also come the realization of the truth that 'that is how He wants it'. He wants you to be the empty vessel into which He can pour Himself into. It's not just ok for me to have all these questions and needs, it's how He meant it to be...He is the good Father who is waiting to give His children good gifts, all kinds of good gifts...Because of my twistedness, I was totally thrown off and even afraid of my feelings/awareness of how inadequate I am without Him, of how much I need Him (for the simple day to day, basic stuff!!!). I felt like I was doing something wrong by needing Him so much(yeah, like I said, I am twisted! :-)- He graciously untwists me!)

Have this up on my desk(thanks Nat!) from Streams in the Desserts:

"Bring them here to me. Matthew 14:18...Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs,and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials, and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill...Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work... Philippians 4:19 What a source- God! What a supply- His glorious riches! What a channel- Jesus Christ...In His great love, He has thrown open to you His exhaustive treasury.Go in and draw upon Him in simple childlike faith, and you will never again have the need to rely on anything else!"

I need to read that everyday for the rest of my life!!!! :-)

10 days...

until I am in Zimbabwe!!! I am so so so excited!!! I get to see the most amazing man ever!!! :-) and be where my heart is!!! yay!!!...and it's almost Christmas!!! Lots of reasons to celebrate!!! :-)...prayers for a safe, fruitful, fun trip to Zimbabwe would be greatly appreciated!!!

He is good...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZE33ejdgWIY

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favour and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Its my weakness that perfects Your power?

...so I have been analyzing my situation as described in the previous post, and I think I may have discovered something! :-)...I remember a time when I loved God, loved Him very much, but also told Him I would not trust Him with certain things concerning my life. It was this agreement we had(or I thought I had :-)), and well, it seemed to work well because it kept me 'in control'...I am no longer in that place. I have since learned that He is way better being 'in control', pretty much I have learned that trust is the basis of our relationship..."...without faith, it is impossible to please God because whoever comes to Him must believe not only that He exists, but also that He rewards those who diligently seek Him"

...Then I was the boss and did not need to trust because well I decided what i did, I made the plans, I loved God, just didn't trust Him(or at least trust Him enough) and so there was no need for any test, there was no faith to be tested...

...Now, He is the boss and our relationship is all about trust, and faith, and I guess my faith is being tested, and tests are not supposed to be fun right(I actually liked tests in school...:-)), but they are necessary for us to go to the next level...and so I guess the next level awaits on the other side of this test...ok lets do it!...

Did anybody say battlefiled??

"I'll risk it all if you make me like You"

I said that that, sang that, and i meant it, I really did. I was willing to give it all up...for Him, I still am...I just have been having some really intense battles in my mind concerning this idea of risking all, giving up all, it's like all of a sudden I am so much more acutely aware of the all that I am being asked to risk or give up, and my mind is struggling with 'accepting' it. Its really weird and well, I don't like it at all!!! Can I just say that? I don't like it, I hate it,It sucks, highly sucks!!!...its not the giving it all up that sucks;its more the realsing that I am all of a sudden having such a hard time with it, not the 'normal struggles' you're 'supposed' to have, no I am having the specially made for you struggles, you know the one that make you think, " I can' t do this, I don't want to do this" and even as the words roll off your tongue you are struck with shame as you realize that you are saying to the One who gave you His life, "I don't trust You" and at the same time struck with anger as you realize the lies that you have somehow allowed to consume you!!!

...So I read Scriptures like this one from 2 Corinthians 5: " And He died for all that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again" and I think of Him who died as He prayed in the Garden, "Take this cup from me if you can", and I am acutely aware of the 'smallness' of the sacrifice He is asking me to make and also reminded of my love for Him...I want to give it all up for Him because I love Him..." For Christ's love compels us..."...and I am like ok, let's do this. It won't be easy, there's no plan all set out for me necessarily, lots of faith will be required, but let's do this!! And I am good...

...and then another 'situation' comes up and my mind goes crazy again. I am talking crazy craziness!!! ...So I go and spend some time with Him and again He helps me see that things will be ok, even more than ok, and again I am sure of what He is asking me to do...and then something else happens, a need, a situation I can compare myself to, a thought, a question, a doubt, something else I don't have and I am back to the mind going crazy deal!!!!...the thing is I know all the right things to 'think', I know the truth, that's not the problem...really its like there's a battle going on in my mind...I will keep fighting as long as I have to, it's just really tiring and far from fun!!!...

...I guess I am sharing this so you can pray for me cause I definitely need lots of that, and maybe if anyone else can relate you can be encouraged somehow, I guess by knowing you're not the only one having crazy mind moments!! :-)

Peace...

Some 'goodness' from Natalie's blog...

And then you have “peace”, the beauty of peace. We JUST CAN NOT form it, develop it, make it, or buy it…. it’s His to give and ours to take and without time with Him, there is none to be had in our life.

HE IS THE LIFE>>>> HE IS THE PEACE! IT IS HIM WE NEED