Pics to follow...soon :-)

I cannot believe the year is almost over!!! Seriously, it seems like days ago I was saying the same thing about 06!! But, again, I am in awe of God’s amazing grace that has allowed me to learn and to grow; to know and love Him more; to be more like Him…one thing I am sure of, maybe the only thing, is that His love endures forever- He is my Lover and I am His beloved; nothing else matters!!!... 2006 brought much transition; it was an exciting year filled with hope and anticipation…2007 has brought change, so much change!!!! There were several times I felt that I had had enough, I couldn’t take anymore( as much as I like to change my hair style& colors often, I rather like other things in my life to be pretty constant J). I have been angry several times at God and at people….He has taken my anger and filled those places of my heart with His love; it’s so much ‘easier’ to love than to be angry!! He has rekindled old dreams and passions; He has walked with me through the change and brought me out on the other side hopeful, excited, ready for more… As much as this year has so flown by, it has been so full; so much has happen, so much has been lost and so much gained, seriously it’s felt like 10 years in some ways!! J I have always been a planner; I like things, esp. my life, to be organized. I like explanations, answers, logic. As I grow older I am learning the beauty of letting go- not so my life can be out of control- but rather so it can be in the control of the only One who really has everything under His control, the One who has the whole world in His hands…I wrote these words about 4 years ago, but I think only now am I beginning to really grasp what they truly mean…

I want to be where You are
I want to stand in the midst of Your presence
Always near never far
Serving You Lord in reverence
I want to be
I want to be
Where You are

Wherever You lead me
Whatever You ask
Wherever You send me
Whatever the task
Things that make me cry
Things that make me smile
Anything anywhere
I just want to be where You are…

*One of the amazing blessings God has given me this year is the gift of friendships… great friendships…thank you to all of the amazing people that have allowed God to use them in my life…I can’t wait for heaven when we can all be together always, when no one ever has to leave…

Where Are You Christmas?? :-)

Merry Christmas!! Watch as many Christmas movies as you can, sing( or maybe just listen to :0)) as many Christmas songs as you can, eat, eat,and eat...celebrate Jesus' birth like it means something to you!!!! :-)

How deep the Father's love for us...

how vast beyond all measure!!!!

The past week has been a hectic series of days with sooooo much to get done and seemingly too little time :-(…pretty much I have been feeling really overwhelmed!! On Friday, I heard that my grandfather had passed away. The last time I saw him was in 2005(which was the last time I went to Zambia where he was living and where I’m originally from). I have awesome memories of him giving me the biggest hugs and spinning me around whenever I was little and him giving us so much bubble gum from his grocery store that our mouths hurt from chewing it :-)…he was a great grandfather (but after moving to Swaziland over 15 years ago and only having visited Zambia about 4 times since then we weren’t really close and he was really old so I was kind of prepared). My mum, on the other hand (this was her dad), took it really heard. Seeing her in all that pain was not at all fun!!! I was very concerned for her and worried that I would not be able to give her the love and comfort she needed (since I am the only one God has chosen to do this:-))…it’s been 3 days and I am in awe of God’s goodness!!! He has totally provided the comfort and support my mum needed through friends, workmates and family. I have watched love in action and it’s such a beautiful thing!! I was thinking as we were picking up my mum from a friends house ( a friend of hers who had offered to make her an outfit for her the funeral and has just been such a great help and encouragement) what my grandfather would be thinking as he watched his baby all grown up…he would be so proud of the life she has led and the friendships she has made( friendships that come through during hard times), he was proud of her and I am too!! I am so thankful for the way in which my Heavenly father took this ‘sad thing’ and used it to rekindle in me faith in humanity (for lack of better words:-)). Watching my mother’s friends love and support her through this touched me so much more than I thought it would, not just because I hurt as she was hurting but more because I had allowed the ‘bad things’ in life to make me negative (pretty much expecting nothing good from people, rather be surprised than disappointed- ok maybe I’m exaggerating, but really I didn’t realize how negative I had become!) My grandfather died and God showed me the beauty of Hs love at work in His people and a part of me that had ‘died’ was resurrected. It’s a pretty cool experience…thank you Father…and thank you to everyone that prayed with me, for me!!

time for a new post :-)

I would like to say just how proud I am of my little brother, Peter. He won awards for excellence in Math and Science, Cricketer of the year, and he also won this award called the CDC award. It’s the Character Discipline Courtesy award and is given to the student who displays character traits that are ‘rare in today’s society’. I was so freaking proud of him!!! I was totally the embarrassing big sister and cheered really loudly (pretty much screamed) when his name was called out. :-) I love being a big sister!!

…so, I went to the Speech and Prize giving day with my little sister, Tamara (who is 17). She went to the table that had the pile of programs to get one and was told that they’re only for adults. So, she came to me and asked that I, the adult, go and get a program. I walked up to the table and said, “Could I please have a program?”

The lady responded, “How old are you?”

I exercised much self-control, and calmly replied, “24”

She said, “The programs are only for adults”

This time I thought I would blow up, but again, somehow managed to calmly reply, “I am an adult”

I mean, if I’m going to lie about my age, I’m not going to do it for a stupid program!!!agghhh!!!...anyway…

The story doesn’t end here…the guest speaker for the Speech and prize-giving day was the US ambassador, and all of the grade 7s( my brother included) all got certificates singed by Bush, yes, US president George W. Bush!!! So that was pretty cool? Weird? Random?...and then later on that night I went to a fireworks show thing with some friends( my parents also attended, but we traveled separately). It was in Manzini( a city that I am absolutely petrified of- well I guess that’s an exaggeration- but, really, I will not carry bag when in Manzini, all my valuables are safely put away in my pockets, but this time I went to Manzini, at night, mind you, and it was actually fun…until it started to get hectic and my dad’s phone got stolen!!...but the night was still young and there was more fun to be had. We all went to my friend, Jacci’s house and played Dutch blitz and I totally beat everyone!!! Yes, I love winning!!! :-)

On a serious note, God has been absolutely amazing the past few days. He has shown His love and grace to me. I had this habit that I feel like I have been struggling with forever and I just couldn’t figure out how to stop it. The other day, I cried out to Him, and just let Him know honestly how I felt. His response: He just held me and loved me. He let me know He loved me, and I just cried because even though I know God loves me unconditionally, I am always taken aback when I experience this amazing love He has for me. This morning during our devotion, my friend Jacci talked about the names of God. One of the names that stood out to me was Jehovah Shammah- The Lord is There. There have been many times the past year when He has let me know just that- that He is there, He is here right next to me, and nothing else matters, every obstacle, habit, trial is insignificant because He is there!!!

A reaaly insightful devotional

This is day 30 of a devotional I'm receiving from www.secretbelievers.org.
I thought it was really good, good enough to share ;-)

"He prayed to the Lord, 'O Lord, is this not what I said when I was still at home? That is why I was so quick to flee to Tarshish. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity'" (Jonah 4:2).

Jonah preached judgment to Nineveh. We love to condemn our enemies. Isn't that why there is so much war? We are determined to fight God's wars and we're always so sure that God is on our side.

We're not so sure that we're on God's side. If we were, if we truly agreed with God, we would be witnesses to all the world for Jesus Christ.

Jonah suspected all along what God would do with Nineveh. He knew in Jonah 1:1 when the Word of the Lord came to him. That's why he ran away from God. Jonah knew that if he preached the word of God, Nineveh would repent. Then God would be gracious and He would forgive.

He will do the same for you - if you repent and turn from sin.

How did Jo nah know? It was in his Bible. Jonah's prayer sounds amazingly similar to the revelation of God to Moses in Exodus 34:6-7. Jonah knew about God because he knew God's Book.

If we know God and love God, then we will...
know His Book,
love His Book,
obey His Book.

Jonah knew the book, but he still argued with God. Obedience is not automatic. We need to strive to understand God and His Book. The amazing thing is that God is so patient with Jonah. He even answers Jonah.

Jonah can argue with God and God doesn't condemn him.

I 'm sorry it's so long!:-)

Acts 3 records a story most of us are familiar with- Peter and John and the crippled man, “Silver and gold have I not…” So, yesterday on my way home from work (by the way my trip home through the infamous bus rank is rather interesting and deserves a blog which is due soon :-)), anyway, on my way home from work I stopped to get something to eat cause I feeling really overwhelmed and just needed some food to make it all better.:-) After getting a KFC twister and some chips (fries) I went to the bus rank and got on a kombi (minibus/van). As I sat down and reached for my chips, I noticed this boy sitting right opposite me. His face just said it all. My heart was broken, and I felt like a jerk eating my chips in front of him so I decided to give them to him. He reached out his hands and gratefully received them. I watched him eating ( not in a creepy, stalker kind of way:-)) and wondered what his story was. When it was time for everyone to pay the fare, I asked him how much he had to pay and I paid it for him. I still couldn’t take my mind off of him so I started to pray for him. As I prayed I thought of conversations I’ve had with friends about how overwhelming it can get as you live amongst people that are so needy. Once you choose to open your eyes, you see the need all around you and it can overwhelm you. I am not rich. I have had many days when I have wished I had this or that, but I have also had many days where I have thought, “Maybe if I give away all my clothes or all the money I have I can help make a dent in this huge, overwhelming problem”. There are days when I think I’m close to ‘poor’ and there are other days when I feel uncomfortably ‘rich’. All of this has led me to the realization that it’s not about rich or poor. I can give away my chips or money, I can be given this or that, but that’s not what it’s about. As I prayed for that boy, I realized that the most precious gift that I have to give him is my prayers, my prayers for God to be His all. What has sustained me in my times of plenty/ needed? Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!” I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation…I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:12-13 When I think about meeting the physical need around me, I am overwhelmed and feel a sense of hopelessness, but when I realize that there is a spiritual need that the God of heaven and earth desires to fill, I feel a sense of freedom and excitement. There is a solution, there is hope- Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!!!! I prayed for that boy and I know He is in Good Hands- with or without my chips. :-)

Also, if you think about it, please pray for me. I am really having a hard time. I don’t know what the reason for this is. I know Satan is trying to distract me. I want to be offensive and not let him have his way. I just feel so weak. All I want to do is go to my little corner and cry! I just miss Kristen a lot and feel so detached and I don’t know really, I just am having a really hard time. I have great friends here that have been amazing and that I thank God for everyday, but it’s still hard. I just really need and would greatly appreciate spiritual support right now. I feel so vulnerable. Please also pray for everyone working with Children’s cup and people in ministry everywhere...Ephesians 6:18-20

International Day of Prayer

International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted World

- IDOP

www.idop.org

--- other cool sites
> love muslims thru prayer
> about islam
> interactive flash
> pray for kuwait
> mission china.de
> bible gems

Who You Are

Who You Are- Desperation Band

I won't be satisfied
I wont be found alright til I find
who You are
I'd climb every mountain
I'd travel the deepest valley
to find who You are

You, You cause the lame to walk
You open lips to talk
You're everything and that
is who You are
You, You calm the storms at night
You turn the dark to light
You're everything and that
is who You are

You, You cause the lame to walk
You open lips to talk
You're everything and that
is who You are
You, You calm the storms at night
You turn the dark to light
You're everything and that
is who You are

That is who You are

My savior
my healer
redeemer
that is who You are
creator
my maker
my father
that is who You are

That is who You are

:-(

You know those days when it seems like everything’s going wrong. It’s not even the big things. It’s little things like your cell phone buttons freezing just before your friends from the States calls so you can’t answer your phone, but you see it ringing and you’ve been wanting all day to talk to her because your day was kind of stressful and you were looking forward to a good conversation with a good friend that you really miss. Or you call to make an appointment for your drivers’ license test and you get hit on by the traffic policeman who is married!!!! And then you ask your dad to drop off some stuff for you so you can confirm your booking for the test because you won’t be able to do it yourself in time, and you give him all the information and even go through it twice then he calls to tell you he doesn’t have all the papers because he forgot what it was you said he needed to take with him.

So you hold yourself back from screaming in utter frustration and despair because you’re just so tired and overwhelmed and all you wanted was for these ‘little’ things to work out. And then tears well up, but you hold them back cause you’re in the office and you don’t want to break out into a weeping session in front of everyone, but you really just need and want to cry and cry about so many things, more than just these ‘little’ things that were the trigger. And you wish your friend whose call you missed because your phone wasn’t working was here so you cry out, “O Lord, please just hold me. Please, just hold me!!!!”

Random...

Ok, first of all, I know I am a nerd for doing this, but whatever...I have to say that I am so excited about my performance in my first exam (I'm taking a Bible class towards a Theology degree)- I totally scored above 90% in both my 20 page essay as well as my 200 question exam!!! Yay, yay, yay!! Yes, I was one of those students that loved being teacher's pet. I wasn't a nerd, though, and I did have friends.:-)...

On a more serious note, God has been calling me to Himself more and more. He is jealous for me, He wants me for Himself, all of me. " Hear O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all yours soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Mark 12:29-30 ...God doesn't want to compete with anyone/anything. He alone is God, only He is God,and He wants all of me...

"You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know You are near..."

Stand and Sing of Zambia, proud and free... :-)

It’s supposed to be summer, you know blazing hot, humid, etc, but then it’s not. It’s cold and rainy, and I wish I were at home by a fireplace drinking hot chocolate and watching the Notebook! Instead, I am the Children’s Cup office trying to work and not miss Kristen so much. :-( So to cheer myself up I am going to write about a couple rather ‘silly’ moments I’ve had.

First story:

A day or so ago, Julia, Mary and I were at the Roger’s gate needing to get in. We had no power…long story… and had asked Roger who was house-sitting for the Rogers if we could go there to shower and stuff. I said to Julia and Mary as I held the keys in my hand, “I think we should just go in through the little gate since there’s no one inside to open the big gate for us (it’s electric), and we can just park outside.” As I was walking out of the car, Julia said, “Hey, why don’t you go inside and then you can open the gate for us.”

I thought, “Oh, yeah, duh!”

Julia continued, “Check and see if the keys you’re holding have a little button on them.”

I checked, and sure enough, there was a little button.

Julia asked, “Isn’t that the gate opener?”!!!

Second story:

A week or so back, Mary and I were walking home. It was kind of dark, well really dark (don’t tell my mum I was walking in the dark, she will not be happy!!:-)). So, anyway, as we were walking, we heard these dogs barking. They sounded pretty fierce. I told Mary they were inside the gate and we would be fine. She didn’t believe me. Eventually, I remembered I had a flashlight in my bag so I got it out. I hadn’t used this flashlight before so I tried to figure out how to turn it on and stuff. I pressed a button and some liquid stuff spilled out. I freaked out and said, Oh, no!! This must be the fuel for the flashlight and now it’s going to blow!” So, I threw it away. Meanwhile, Mary, who all this time had been standing by in silence says, “Did you get that from Kristen?”

I answered, “Yes I did”

She continued, “I think that was pepper spray!”

30 days...

I’ve been on this fast (from the internet) for 4 days now. Feels like 4 months! JI wrote some stuff already, but can’t find where I saved it!! Well, maybe it’ll show up.

Found it!! :


Day 2
Had a great prayer time over Swaziland with Becca. God helped change some of my current perspectives

Day 3
Had my first SiSwati lesson (teaching) with this couple form Belgium. It was pretty cool. My dad sat in (he had to drive me and then decided to just wait). He said I’m a great teacher. That meant a lot to me!!! Oh, yeah, I drove. It was good. I think I’m ready for my license. Really, I need to get it soon…

Day 4
Today. Bible Study was good. Beth Moore is awesome! Had a rather rough afternoon…people complications, hate it! Haven’ t checked facebook/ myspace and the rest. Haven’ t replied to emails. Thank You, Lord, for what You are teaching me- to find my satisfaction in You, to receive my applause from You, to be complete in You!!

Day 6
We said good bye to Charles today.:-( The sad face in not at all an adequate description of my emotions!! I only have a month with Kristen…
Old dreams being revived…it’s weird and cool how God works in our pain…

Day 9
I am so agitated/ irritable right now. I need to read my Bible. J No, seriously, I need to look to Him for comfort and direction…“Troubles are the earthly gymnasium that exercises our heavenly faith. In the crucible of adversity, God is looking for faith in His goodness, sovereignty, plan, love, and grace. “
Charles Stanley

“An implicit faith is not blind faith. It is faith with vision, a vision enlightened by knowledge of the character of God. God deserves to be trusted. He merits our trust in Him. “
R.C. Sproul

Day 12

Today’s a hard day…I just want t cry. I can find so much to cry about. I just feel on the verge of tears and don’t want to keep them in. There is so much good, so much to be thankful for, I know!! I just feel this sorrow and heaviness and all I want to do is weep…maybe its’ just pms. J I’m reading through the Gospels, started with Matthew. It’s amazing to watch the sovereignty of God as I read through the genealogy of Christ- 42 generations, all kinds of crazy stories, characters that were less than perfect, and He worked it all out!!. I am comforted by His awesome sovereignty. I remember a time when I almost resented Him for it, and now it is one of the most beautiful things to me, such a comfort to me!! He tells us to rejoice through trials, to be thankful in all situations, yes, even sucky days like today. The other day I was reading about how implicit faith is, “faith with a vision…enlightened by knowledge of the character of God.” Even though I am only 25 , I myself experienced or seen other people experience a lot of really terrible situations, and in all of that I have learned to trust the goodness of God. I don’t trust Him because I have to. I don’t choose joy just because I am commanded to. I really believe that He is good and I can rejoice in Him…always!! Watching Him work in the midst of trials in my or other people’s lives has given me great confidence in the great goodness and unfailing love. I can honestly say, “I trust Him”.




Day 13

I feel weird. I feel like I could say anything to anyone, like I might just blurt out whatever I’m feeling/thinking at that moment whether or not it’s appropriate…hmm…

”what can wash away my sin? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. What can make me whole again? Nothing but the blood of Jesus. O, precious, is the flow that makes me white as snow. No other fount I know- nothing but the blood of Jesus.”

Day 17 (Tuesday 2/10)

The other day Kristen, Mary and I were watching Dream Girls. After it was done, we all just sat on the couch and wept- had nothing to do with the movie, of course. I know God is doing some amazing things through all of this. There are days when I am ready to embrace change, and there are days when all I can do is not cuss!! J …reading more of Matthew. It’s cool to see how Jesus was not born into royalty or anything, and yet, even when He was just a baby, Wise Men brought Him gifts and shepherds came to worship Him. It’s just an encouraging reminder that God’s plan for our lives is in spite of our circumstances/environment/upbringing, etc.

Day 23

Had an amazing time with some amazing women and my good friend, Beth Moore. J …some amazing lessons on love, some fun times with friends, some re-fanning of old passions…
Dudu laughed today!! I was making funny faces and she laughed (out loud!!) It was great!!

Day 24 (9 October)

…yes I cried out to my God for help. He heard me from His sanctuary; my cry reached His ears,…He reached down from heaven and rescued me; He drew me out of deep waters…God’s way is perfect…He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain height. He trains me for battle; He strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow. You have given me Your shield of victory; Your help has made me great. You have made a wide path for my feet to keep me from slipping… For this, O Lord, I will praise You among the nations; I will sing praises to Your name!!!... Thank you, awesome Crystal Mazucca for this ‘devotional’…you are missed!!!

I’m beginning to hear
The angels cry holy
A love song, O God, rising in me
And I’m surrounded by You
Here in your glory
A love song, O God, rising in me

I wanna be romanced
By the King of the Ages
I don’t wanna sing of a passion I’ve never known
I wanna get lost in the beauty of Jesus
To dance through the night
Around Your throne

So dance with me





Day 27 (12 October)- Didn’t think I’d make it this farJ

I keep getting these reminders of how fragile life on earth is, how everything we do must ultimately be about eternity…

He loves me, He loves me, He loves me!!!! His love is unconditional, unfailing, unchanging. His love is perfect and it’s for me, today, right now, everyday!!!...

I live Dudu (the little girl at one of our Care Points). I just want so badly for her to know God’s love for her. I want her to live the life God planned for her. Every time I ‘m at the Care Point, I just want to hold her and pray and sing over her. Every time, I’m in a store I want to buy something for her. I just really really live her. Someone talked about how God gives us a glimpse of His love and allows us to have something to ‘compare’ His love to. The love He has given me for Dudu reminds me of how much He loves me, how He’s crazy about me- thinking of me every moment, delighting in me!! Thank You, Lord!!!...

The crazy week begins- extreme busyness mixed with a very painful goodbye. Jesus, hold me close, and please let me feel you, please let me feel you!!!!

Day 30 (15 October 2007)

So I guess this is the last day of my fast…the other night I was watching the documentary “Invisible Children”. I wept through the whole thing. My heart was so broken for these kids and all I wanted to do was reach through the screen, hold them and tell them how much Jesus loves them. This little boy was asked about his older brother that had been killed. He just started to weep. It broke my heart!!! O, God keep my heart broken, keep breaking my heart. O God, may I never ever become immune to pain and hurt, and may I never become too comfortable to do something about it- use me, break me; waste me on You, Lord!!!...Lord, I am weak, so weak. I fail You, others, and myself. I break promises. I just am no perfect…far from it, but Lord, I want You, and I want to be available for You.
Take my life and let it beConsecrated, Lord, to Thee.Take my moments and my days,Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
Take my hands and let them moveAt the impulse of Thy love.Take my feet and let them beSwift and beautiful for Thee.
Take my voice and let me singAlways, only, for my King.Take my lips and let them beFilled with messages for Thee.
Take my silver and my gold,Not a mite would I withhold.Take my intellect and useEvery power as Thou shalt choose.
Take my will and make it Thine,It shall be no longer mine. Take my heart—it is Thine own, It shall be Thy royal throne.
Take my love: my Lord, I pourAt Thy feet its treasure-store.Take myself, and I will be Ever, only, all for Thee.
Frances Ridley Havergal

A Day in the Life of Dudu

Hi, my name is Dudu. I hang out at this place where all these kids come and eat and play and stuff. My mum is always cooking or washing or telling some child what they don’t need to be doing. I don’t like people telling me what to do or not do. I usually roll myself on the ground when people try to tell me what to do. It’s funny to watch the expression on their faces.
This one girl in particular is hilarious. She comes here almost everyday and is always looking for me. The other day she brought me this really yummy sweet. I like sweets. Maybe this girl isn’t too bad. She likes taking pictures of me. It’s all good, makes me feel like a celebrity.:-)

That girl is back today. She didn’t bring a sweet today, but I didn’t throw a tantrum. I think I like her. We played for a while. Sometimes, she helps me line up for food. I like when she does because then I’m always first and don’t have to worry about the bigger kids pushing me out of the line.

Ok, I need to go back to rolling in the sand. :-)

One of those days...

Ever had one of those days when you are fully aware of the pain and suffering of others and how much 'greater' than yours it is,but still you just want to curl up in a little ball and have a pity party over your 'little' problems? I'm having one of those days :-(

Bad things, good things, and good people...

Good and bad things happen to good and bad people, all the time. The past few weeks, even months, have come with some really great as well as not so great events. Of course, when the good things happen I happily accept them. However, when the bad things happen my response isn’t always so great.

Yesterday, I was singing “You give and take away…my heart will choose to say blessed be your name.” Two nights ago, I was reading through the book of Job. On Sunday morning my pastor’s wife read from Hebrews where it talks about fixing our eyes on Jesus (taking our eyes from the things that distract). All of these things helped me to realize that it’s all about Him- knowing Him, loving Him, becoming like Him, and finding my identity in Him. The good things that happen to me don’t make me more righteous or more likely to be blessed or loved by Him. The bad things don’t make me less righteous or less likely to be blessed or loved by Him. His finished work on the cross is what my identity is based on- I am His child and can be confident of His love and care no matter what happens!! I can choose to let Him use the various experiences in my life to draw me to Himself and make me even more aware of His life. I am not defined but what happens to me- good or bad. I am who He says I am- His beloved!!

Ok, here are some pics

Me and my best friend ever! :-)





The Best Day ever...

The Best Day Ever!!

I was going to write a blog just about how I love my job and then one of the coolest things happened, and now I want to write about how I love my life!! God is just so amazing, so, so, so amazing!!!!

I spent my morning preparing for 20 orphans and vulnerable children to meet their sponsors who are here on a mission’s trip from the USA. (I was doing this with my best friend ever!!). I spent the rest of the day watching as 20 children (who normally have a plate of pap and beans as their only meal everyday, walk barefoot in the freezing cold, and walk for miles to get to school everyday) ate a finger licking good KFC :-) meal, got to go into a store and pick out new clothes, and then ate ice cream and just had fun with their sponsors who have now become their friends. For all of these kids, this is definitely a day they will never forget. It’s pretty much their best day ever! Watching them have all that fun made me feel like I was having the best day ever. It made me realise just how much I love my job. I may not get paid big bucks, but I get to see big smiles on little faces- reflections of the big things God is able to do when we give ourselves to Him. It just makes life so worth living!!!! Really, it does! I love that I get to be a part of this!!

And then, this evening, I got home and found out my little brother, Francis has been accepted as a student at the Rockford Masters Commission- an intense, absolutely amazing discipleship program in Rockford, Illinois!! I spent two years there and God pretty much messed me up…for good! I love my younger siblings( a lot of the time I feel like their my children :-) ), and I know the greatest thing I can do for them is encourage them to know and love God. A few months back I felt God was telling me to ask Francis to apply to Rockford Master’s Commission. I hesitated and then finally suggested it to him. Now, a few months later, he is actually going there. I know God will just blow Him away! It excites me to think of all that God will do in Him and even through Him!!! I mean I am so freaking excited!!! This is definitely one of my best days ever!!!!

I love you, Jesus!!! You are the best ever!!!

It's not letting me post pics for some odd reason :-( I guess I'll try again later...

Like a child

Unless you become like a little child…

Remember when you were 7, 6, 5 years old? I do. It was definitely a happy time for me. I have come to learn that things weren’t as perfect as I though they were, but, at the time, I wasn’t concerned about it. I would wake up in the morning excited to face another day, ready to receive whatever mommy and daddy had planned for me. Maybe that’s part of what Jesus meant when He said we should become like a child… When I was a child, I worried about nothing! And the only reason was because I had complete confidence in my parents. I trusted them with every part of my life and living was so much easier. Of course, as I have grown up, I realize that they are just imperfect humans like me capable of mistakes and failure, but God, my Heavenly Father, is not! He is perfect and He is not capable of mistake or failure. I can have complete confidence in Him… make me like a child again…

He is good!!!

This is how I’ve been feeling for a long time:

Daddy said it would be ok
And I believed him, but it was all just talk
Mother tried her very best
O, I know that, but it was not enough

And here I am now
Staring at these broken pieces

Just let me cry for my broken dreams
For the things that will never be
Let me mourn cause it hurts inside
Let me know its ok to cry

After being hurt long enough, a lot of us put up some kind of defence in order to protect our fragile hearts. Without realising it, I put up my own defence- a mindset: set your expectations low and then you won’t be disappointed (even or especially with God). What a horrible, horrible lie!!! Thank God, He is showing me that in spite of all the crap that goes on in the world, in spite of the pain and hurt we have all experienced, and the, at times, seeming victory of evil over good, He is God, our God and He is good. He is able to do infinitely beyond our wildest dreams or imaginations. We can expect great, great things of Him, and He will surpass those expectations!!! I am saying this to myself right now cause I need it; I need to replace my lies with His truth!!! My God, my Heavenly Father, My Friend, the Lover of my Soul is GOOD!!!!

Psalm 145

A psalm of praise. Of David.

I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.

Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.

One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.

They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works. ^[b]

They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.

All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.

They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,

so that all men may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendour of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

Therapy?

I'm really emotional right now and the one thing I can think of doing that isn't self-destructive is to blog. :-) I can't really share all the reasons why I feel this way, which kind of takes way from the therapeutic effect this could have. :-( I guess I could write about things that make me happy. Hmmm, let's see... my friends make me happy- sitting on the couch for hours watching TV, talking about all kinds of stuff, crying, laughing...awww my mum just walked into the office and made me feel like a little girl again. She just wanted to see me, she missed me. That made me feel really, really good. I think that as much as try to be independent and in control, my favorite place is on my mum's lap- safe, content( too bad I can't really fit on her lap anymore :-) ), but I can fit on my Heavenly Father's lap no matter how big I get( I'm almost in my late twenties ;-)), and that's what I'm going to do now- sit in His lap- restful, content, safe...Psalm 63
... my little sister, Tamara, baked me a cake for my birthday!! She's the best!!!

At least I'm not yet in my late 20s ;-)

So I am officially one year way from being in my mid-twenties!!! Seriously, I am so old! :-) I like to look back, you know, reflect on the past, what I’ve learned, etc. I have learned a lot and I have so much to be thankful for like a job that I love (except for profile nightmares ;-)) , a family that isn’t perfect( whose is?), but loves me the best way they know how, and friends that I wouldn’t trade for anything!!!

As I was reading through my journal, I was made even more aware of the many blessings my Heavenly Father has given me. There is one thing, however, that was consistent throughout: God loves me with a redeeming, freeing, and unfailing love, and is always pursuing me!!! Return to me, for I have redeemed you." Isaiah 44:22 I am in awe of this God that not only cleanses me from my sin over and over, but lovingly and passionately draws me to Himself!

I can't spell hte...teh...the :-)

I put on my headphones, my music on the highest volume and listened to the song, " How Great is Our God" on the Hillsong London album, Jesus Is. I was in the office so I couldn't really sing out loud and express myself the way I wanted, but I was so overcome by the awesomeness of God, I had to pause and just bow my head in worship. As I listened to the many voices singing, I pictured us all in heaven singing in worship to our great God!!!!

Our God is great...He is a big God- bigger than every obstacle, trial, test,etc. He is greater than the things that have tried to keep me captive for so long. I've been going through the Bible Study, Breaking Free. The lesson we just got done with was talking about bringing down the storongholds-Satan's lies, and putting up the truth of God. And the truth is that God is great- He is above it all- the pain, the questions, the things that try to keep us captive. What a comforting, liberating truth!!!

Sigh...

“Your eyes are full- full of the future of us…You …

Sing me to sleep, talk down my walls, look through my window’s eyes.

I pray you could be the thief I give the key to…you’re breaking into my heart, and I’m letting you! “Brooke Fraser

Pottery class...

" And the vessel that he made of clay was marred in the hand of the potter; so he made it again into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to make...can I not do with you as this potter, says the Lord. Look as the clay is in the potter's hand so are you in My hand..." Jeremiah 17:4,6

He breaks the clay, smooshes it, and does all kinds of uncomfortable things to it, but the clay, even when marred, is ALWAYS IN HIS HANDS!!!!

"Crap is a relative term." Greg House

What makes the difference between having a good attitude or a bad attitude? No, it’s not ice cream, whether or not your friends/family are just being mean jerks, lack of sleep, a date with Wentworth Miller, or shopping. :-) And it’s not even PMS!!! Of course those things affect us initially. They definitely affect me more than I’d like. But after that initial moment of frustration, anger, pain, or whatever, we have a choice to make. Some of us don’t even realise that we have a choice, others of us make the wrong choice, and sometimes we make the right one.

What is the choice? I guess it could be put in a few different ways, but I like to think of it as a choice between the big picture and the small one. When we choose the small picture, we find ourselves at the centre. The main point is what was done to me, how I felt, what I didn’t get. I think we have all found that this only leads to more frustration and eventually some kind of sin, then regret etc. The big picture has Christ as the centre. The main point is what is Christ’s will for me here? How best can I please him? How can I show His love in this situation? This leads to peace because really, it’s neither about me nor up to me. It’s His burden to carry, His problem to solve. Mine is to surrender.

I have to quickly say that I consider myself among the worst when it comes to choosing the small picture. It’s like a bat habit, but I’m on my way to breaking it, praise Jesus :-).

Only 3 more episodes of Prison Break :-(

“Nothing is more blessed than to be nothing, so that God may be all…This is the true self-denial to which our Saviour calls us: the acknowledgment that self has nothing good in it except as an empty vessel that God must fill, and also that its claim to be or do anything may not for a moment be allowed. It is in this, above and before everything, that the conformity to Jesus consists. It is the being and doing nothing by ourselves so that God may be all.” Humility, Andrew Murray

I have earned myself the bad reputation of reading several books at one time and taking quite a while to finish them.:-) I’m on a mission to rid myself of that reputation so last night I grabbed the book, Humility by Andrew Murray that I had borrowed from my friend Becca. As I read, I started to cry. I was majorly convicted!! “All wretchedness in this world has its origin in what this cursed, hellish pride- either our own, or that of others- has brought us.” I’ve heard before that pride is the root of many sins. Last night I was convicted of the pride in my own heart, not condemned, convicted. I pretty much cried through the two chapters I read as I realised how my pride keeps me from walking in forgiveness. Yes, people have hurt me, and God cares greatly about my pain, but my forgiving them has nothing to do with them and everything to do with the choice between pride and humility. I would like to type the whole two chapters, but that might be a little time consuming and long. J I have been on this journey of forgiveness, frantically searching for answers on how to ‘successfully forgive’. I can’t forgive, not in myself. There is nothing in me of myself that can. I must humble myself, put aside all bitterness, pain, and even my own strength and let God be all- all of which I need His strength to do anyway- and then let Him live, love, and forgive through me.

“Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: Who …made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant… He humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him.” Philippians 2:5-9

“He considered Himself to be the servant of God for the men whom God made and loved. As a natural consequence, He considered Himself to be the servant of men, so that through Him the Father might do His work of love. He never for a moment thought of seeking His own honour or asserting His power to vindicate Himself. His whole spirit was that of a life yielded to God so that God might work in it…. Our place is to yield to him (God) in perfect resignation and dependence in full consent to be and do nothing of ourselves.”

I just want You...

My heart burns for You... I’ve heard that You, on purpose, put this hunger in me, this insatiable thirst that only You can fill. You put it in me so that I would seek You. I haven’t always sought You to fill it. I’ve gone after other things- things that seemed easier, closer. Being the All-wise God that You are, You made sure that I would not be satisfied until I came to You. You invite me to come. You wait for me to realise just how much You love me. Yes, my heart burns for You, You are my obsession, even when I don’t realise it. But, even greater than that, Your heart burns for me. You want me!! Sometimes, too often, I feel unwanted, unloved, and what sucks is I think the reason I am not wanted or loved is because I am not good enough in one way or another. Every time that I don’t receive the love I expect I blame myself, I put myself down. You would think I would know better, really. And, actually, I do know better. But there is a great chasm between just knowing and practicing what you know. It’s hard to break a bad habit. It’s freaking hard to love someone you’ve trained yourself to hate. It’s not easy to just change mindsets you’ve had for forever. But then nothing is too hard for You. You can do it. Will you, please, do it for me, do it in me…my heart burns for You

I'm unstuck!!!

Praise Jesus!! ;-) He is good!!!

Father's Day...

Forgiveness- a word that stirs up various emotions in us. Scripture clearly states that we are called to walk in forgiveness. God has forgiven us in a way that is so amazing. We are told to forgive as God has forgiven us. Life has taught me that forgiveness is a process, and right now I feel like I am stuck. Being a problem-solver, this whole being stuck thing is really frustrating!!! Remember when you were little and you would try to put a shirt or dress on and sometimes it would get stuck? I don’t know, maybe it was just me, but it was one of the most frustrating feelings. I feel like that right now. I want to be unstuck…

Uhh

I'm a little frustrated and slightly restless so I'm taking a break from work to post these pics that I just took

This is me trying to be cute:


This is me trying to be silly


This is my Wentworth Miller screen saver. I'm not obsessed, I just think he's a good guy that's really hot;-) The pink hearts are verses, not love notes to Mr. Miller. ;-)




This is Gugu, surprised that I'm taking pictures...



This is Thembi, just chilling...



This is my desk, where I definitely spend a little too much time! ;-)


Ok, back to work ;-)

Kristen don't read this until you watch episode 18!!! ;-) Really, don't

I’m on a mission to get done with season 5 of 24.Those who know me well will know that I am a devoted fan. At times, I have been known to be a little too devoted. ;-) But I just love the show and appreciate the great story lines. I love how it challenges my mind. It may not have any actor, as yet, as hot as Wentworth Miller, but it’s still the greatest show ever!! ;-) Whenever I’m watching, I analyse everything. This is a fact about me that has advantages and disadvantages. (Hopefully more advantages ;-)) I am on episode 19 and had to stop to express some thoughts. Since season 1, my frustration as I have watched 24, has been the fact that the true hero, Bauer, doesn’t not only get robbed of the praise due him, but even gets all kinds of crap after he has pretty much given up himself for not just his country, but pretty much the whole world!! That alone could make up a great sermon. ;-) As I have been watching season 5 and come to the part where it is being revealed that great and respectable men, including the president of the USA are involved in this huge conspiracy and are now trying to have Bauer (who has lost pretty much everything he loved trying to serve them) killed!!!, something else comes to mind- the book A Tale of Three Kings by Gene Edwards.

It’s a book about how brokenness is an essential part of our lives if we are ever to lead in any kind of way. The 3 kings are Saul, David, and Absalom (from the Bible ;-)) King David experienced brokenness in his life several times. He was not perfect, but He was a man after God’s own heart, and He was a great King. King Saul, on the other hand, did not embrace brokenness, but resisted it and ended up in a huge mess, hurting not only himself, but also a bunch of people along the way. Life has taught me that titles given by men mean nothing. I am a rebel at heart. I don’t really prefer diplomacy. I don’t respect names and faces; I respect hearts! Sometimes this gets me in trouble. ;-) I am saddened and, at times, angered by how so many are quick to bow down to ‘titles’, ‘names’, and ‘faces’ before they take the time to know the heart of the person, but I am encouraged by the fact that even though man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart. He is neither fooled nor impressed by façades. Throughout the book, A Tale of Three Kings, the author keeps reminding us that only God knows who is a ‘King David and who is a ‘King Saul and He won’t tell. Our job is not to point fingers and place labels, but rather to have God search our own lest we become ‘King Sauls’- so afraid of pain and brokenness that we are willing to crush anyone that is a threat to whatever it is we think we have achieved, forgetting that all authority belongs to God who gives and takes as He sees fit!!!

I’ve been sick since last Sunday and didn’t really have the option to just stay home and sleep til I got better. I’ve had a strenuous week, and my emotions have not responded well. I have felt like cussing people out, punching some, and doing some other not so great things. A really good friend of mine advised me to find the good in all this the other day. When she said it, I looked, but found no good. I was sick, tired, and really emotionally unstable. This morning I had a breakdown. I’m glad I did. There are times when it hurts so much, we skip past the pain. We go straight to the anger and bitterness. But He won’t let us. He would rather see us cry and feel the pain. Anger and bitterness ‘feel’ safer, but they are just an unstable false wall of protection. Pain reminds us of our weakness. Our weakness reminds us of His strength. Brokenness draws us to Him, and, that’s the point of it all. I guess I have finally found the good- He has drawn me closer to Himself!!

So that, dear friends, is what I learned from 24, A Tale of Three Kings, and a really sucky week. ;-)

For the One I Love

Few words can describe you
Actually there are no words
You are infinitely beyond our limited vocabulary
Immeasurably beyond our comprehension
You dry up entire oceans
Stop time, still storms
And even death can't hold You
You are the Great I Am
But what brings me to my knees
And even to tears
Is the fact that You want me
More than anything
You gave up everything
So You could be with me
You pursue me
Relentlessly, you run after me
You don't have to
You want to
You delight in my praise
You love it when I love You back
You are jealous for my time, my heart
You are the Prince, the Knight in shinning amour
I am the peasant, the slave girl
But I am who You want, who You have chosen
To be Your own, Your beloved, Your bride!!!
Your love is amazing
Your redeeming love brings me to my knees
May it keep me on my knees!
I love You
You have one my heart

Give us strength!!

A little boy died a couple days ago. He had been lying in a hospital bed for months. We stood around his bed, mourning this loss. We cried; I cried a lot. I looked at his empty bed, and, realizing he really was gone, I cried even more. This little boy had been so sick, he didn't even speak. He never smiled. He would just lay there. Sometimes he would cry, or at least try to cry. I hoped he would get better, and looked forward to the day he would speak, laugh. That day did come, just not the way I was expecting.

After leaving the hospital, I had a driving lesson with my dad. It was the best driving I've ever done, the best lesson I've ever had. I wasn't irritated by my dad( which I pretty much always am especially during driving lessons). I was so calm, peaceful. The little boy who died was named Siphamandla which means give us strength. I prayed and hoped that God would give him strength so he could talk again and run around like other little boys. Instead, God gave me strength, to love (my dad) when I didn't feel like, to rest ( and not be stressed about my inability to balance the clutch and gas pedals!!), to be more like Christ even when the world isn't watching and applauding!

I am crying now as I think about the fact that Siphamandla lived only six years of his life, spent his last few months in pain, and didn't live to see so much more, be so much more. But I am humbly thankful for God's wisdom and grace that has used, once again, sorrow and hardship to bring life, to draw me closer to Him. I am thankful to Siphamandla for the lessons I learned because I was his friend, and I hope, in heaven one day ,we can talk and laugh and play.

I pray for God to keep me broken, to keep me humble, sensitive to His voice, sensitive to the world I live in. He has done just that. He will not let me get comfortable, and even though at times I complain (sometimes about the stupidest things), today I am thankful for the way he keeps me broken.

This whole past week has been a string of reminders, little things here and there that keep me in perspective. I met a lady that is HIV positive, looking after her HIV positive granddaughter. She’s s few year’s older than me, but married to a much older man who had children from a previous marriage (something to do with the culture) and taking care of the whole household. She poured out her heart to Kristen and me. A couple days back, I went on a community walk and saw several homes were children under the age of 10 were all alone all day, pretty much raising themselves because there parents have to go to work, and can’t afford day –care or a nanny. They can barely afford to feed and cloth their kids. I was walking with Lindiwe, a lady who gives herself 200% to the kids in this community and is always smiling.

I am black, African, Zambian. I have been raised here. These things are not new to me, but I think I got used to them. I got used to pain and suffering and things we are never supposed to get used to. I guess I became calloused. I don’t think it was on purpose. Maybe I was trying to keep myself from hurting too much. I don’t know. I just got used to things I’m not supposed to get used to.

Two days ago, I saw pictures of a six year-old boy. It wasn’t an,’Oh he’s so cute’ picture. It was a real picture. He was as thin as you can get. He had bed sores; huge sores so deep you could see his bone!!! He has been lying in the hospital for over 4 months!! He is 6 years old!!!! I flinched when I saw the pictures. Tears filled my eyes. I wanted to just go home and cry. I did. Is this the only child suffering this way in Swaziland or even Africa? No. I am sure there are millions. We’ve seen the pictures, watched the movies; heard the stories. I see them here; all around me. Will my heart break each time I see one? Will I cry for every child that suffers? If I have to, yes, I will. Will that change the world, Africa, Swaziland? Maybe not. Maybe it’ll just change me, and maybe as He changes me, He’ll change a few children along the way. Maybe that’s all He’s asking of me.

I love kids!!!!!

How could you not??

More time to do my hair and make-up??

I got home form work yesterday and just needed a good crying session (girls will understand :-) ). So I took a bath and started to watch Kingdom of Heaven, thinking the intensity of it all will bring me to tears. It didn’t. I fell asleep and eventually went to bed, not knowing the drama that awaited me the next morning!

So I’m currently staying with my friend Bri who’s here for a few more weeks. It’s just the two of us girls so I never lock my bathroom door. This morning I went into the bathroom at about 7, and realised I had forgotten something. When I tried to open the door, it was locked!! I turned the key and it would not open. I tried again, and decided to take my shower, get ready, and then try again. I did. I tried the key for a while, then called Bri and asked her to try from the outside. She did and still it wouldn’t unlock. By this time I was getting terribly frustrated and extremely restless. I was about to start complaining to God( because He could have unlocked it if He wanted, and He didn’t), and He gently reminded me that my situation was not even close to some of the horrible things countless people go through ,and that I needed to have a good attitude about it, so I did. I started to do my hair (thanks for the gel, Kristen), and then I did my make-up. Then I sat on the toilet seat and waited. The security guard came in and tried to help, but also failed. I asked Bri to bring me the book, Lineage of Grace by Francine Rivers that I have been reading for a while now. I read more pages than I have in one sitting and really got into it. Eventually, after some time, Roger and Thabo came and managed to do something and get me out. I was so happy to get out of that bathroom!!

More drama: Some of you are aware of the drama I have had with my nose ring. Well, last night I was trying to put it back in after having not had it in all day and it wouldn’t go in. This was not the first time this had happened. I poked away at my poor nose and seriously now have like 3 holes on the left side of my nose. I eventually found the real hole, thank God, and it wasn’t even closed!!!

I still haven’t had my needed “crying session". Maybe tonight. :-)_

The Surrendered Heart

It’s no longer up to me
Relief , great relief
But not without a struggle
I was taught to be in control
God helps those who help themselves
I heard over and over
I knew nothing about surrender
To trust another was setting
Oneself up for failure
To let go
Was death
So when I heard Him say,
Be still and know
That I am God
I was afraid, confused
Did He not know?
How could He ask me such a thing?
He was so kind, so gentle
I couldn’t tell Him no
But I didn’t know how to be still
I didn’t know how to trust
So I pretended
I had been taught that it is better to lie
Than to disappoint
He was not fooled He knew
He was hurt
I didn’t understand
I didn’t know how to be still
I didn’t know how to trust
I didn’t know how to love
So He taught me
It was not like other lessons I’ve been taught
He didn’t force me to learn
He didn’t tell me what to do, how to be
He didn’t just want me to learn His ways
He wanted me to love His ways
He wanted me to love Him
He wanted me
We laughed together often
It seems, though, that we cried
Together even more
Each time I cried, each time I hurt
It seemed that He hurt just as much
If not more
Sometimes we fought, well, I fought
I didn’t understand
I was afraid
So I would put up a wall
And end up running into it myself,
Face first
Sometimes He would just be still
He would let me do as I pleased
Even if I was hurting myself
He never forced me to do anything
He didn’t want a servant
He wanted a friend
We still cry, laugh, and even fight
He still loves me
Only now I love Him too
I understand
I am not afraid
I can be still
Because I know that He is God
This Friend, this Lover of my soul,
He is God

Have I already said that I think Wentworth Miller is hot?

Since this is my first blog on here I think it is only appropriate that I share with you the other options that I had as names for my blog. First I thought of , "For Kristen" because my best Chinese friend Kristen was the one who suggested that I get a blog. Then I thought of, "Redeeming Love" because I just love that book and can really relate to it at this point in my life. But then I thought that was too unoriginal and you know how important it is to be original so I thought of , "His Beloved" which is great and also really appropriate for me at this point in my life.

Obviously I picked none of those because they just didn't feel; right. You know, like when you do your hair in the morning and it just doesn't seem right. "Kehfree Burpas Only" will not make sense to most, and that is why I love it! :0)

Well, that's all for now from the girl who loves to put colorful braids in her hair and is sooooooooo in love with Jesus.