42 days and counting

Thought I’d share few lessons that I am learning from the journey that is life and more specifically through this period of transition. I have 43 more days of living life as it is right now. I have 43 more days of being single, working at Children’s Cup in Swaziland, leading worship at HPC, etc…

It’s interesting what things you learn as your mind begins the process of detaching from where you are. I am learning so much about the Lord, my amazing Lue, family, friends, the people I work with, and, of course, myself! One of the first things I learned is that I can’t give 100% of myself to everyone and everything; I’m learning what/who it is that I need to give myself to 100%, doing that and not fretting about the rest… I work full time during the week from 8 to 5 pm. I also am the worship leader at church and responsible for the 3 worship services we have each work. I have family, friends, the world’s most amazing man in my life, and, most importantly, the Lord Jesus! I only have 24 hours in each day, one mouth, two ears, two hands, two legs, etc. Before this year, my usual way of doing things was to pour all of myself into every possible thing, stretch myself to the point of snapping, snap, get sick, have an emotional breakdown, recover, get up and do the same thing. I don’t think I am alone in this crazy process! J This year, though, God has graciously walked with me so that we are now together on the journey to learning how to rest and truly live life to the fullest. I thought I loved being busy and getting 10 things accomplished at one time. I thought I liked having no space to breathe as I frantically moved from one thing to the next in my day. I thought I like running around like a chicken with my head cut off!!! I really thought I did…until I realised there are things that are so much better…

Things like waking up in the morning and laying in bed for an hour before waking up to have my quiet time, just chilling and enjoying the beautiful morning He designed just for me…things like doing one thing and doing it well and when I’m done be able to lay down, not in utter exhaustion and almost having forgotten why it was I worked so hard, but rather laying down fully satisfied and fully aware of what I did, why I did it, and why He’s smiling with me about it…Things like saying no to people or events or tasks, realising I am not God’s solution to every problem, I am not responsible for every task, I can say no, I’m allowed to say no, not out of being stupid or unhelpful, but out of the freedom of knowing what is my responsibility and what is not…Things like watching the stars or taking a walk just for the sake of it…Things like having moments even days where there is not one thing I HAVE to do… Things like learning how to bake bread (still in the process!J)… Things like actually writing that note or email or making that phone call or going on that coffee date…Things like looking at the clouds as you drive/walk down the road, fully aware that the beautiful colours are JUST FOR YOU….Things like laughing until it hurts, yes, laughing… Things like listening to the man of your real life share his heart and realising more and more how awesome and good God is…. Things like late nights with the siblings just because you can!!! J… Things like spending a day with a friend and truly enjoying their presence… Things like realising how much I am loved and how much love I have to give…

The only constant...

...is Christ! On a day like today, when neither makes sense nor feels right to 'continue', the only thing that 'makes sense' is Him, He truly is my sanity today, right now, and I am thankful. I could write lines and lines about the suckiness, I already have :-), so not I am writing lines and lines about Him, His goodness, His faithfulness, His promises. He is good, He is here, He is just and merciful and kind and gracious...and so as this day sucks right now and might continue to suck, I choose to be 'an imitator of God as a dearly beloved child'...I am loved, I am a child, I will choose to be like my AWESOME DAD...

57 days...

“My love for you is teaching me not to seek ideal circumstances so that I can love you, but TO LOVE YOU IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES! “

I was reading through the notes Lue has written me(one of my favourite things is that he writes me notes, emails, letters…LONG ONES!! J) and I read what I just quoted above. I love writing stuff down because you can always go back to it, and EACH TIME you do, you see SOEMTHING NEW! It’s not because I wasn’t there the first time, you just didn’t see it. I love reading Lue’s notes and emails love and over and over again and seeing new things- things he said that I just may not have heard before. And as I read the lone above, my heart danced, a dance of joy and freedom. Joy, because I know that I am loved and freedom because I know that I am ALWAYS loved!!!

My first love is Jesus- have always been and will always be Jesus! The thing’s that are most important to me always bring me back to His feet. My relationship with Lue, the most important things in my life right now, is a constanct ‘example’ and ‘teacher’ concerning my relationship with Jesus. For one, the concept of re-reading notes and emails- there was a time when I was like ‘I did Old Testament and New Testament survey. I’ve done so many Bible Studies, I’ve read it all, I’m done!’ Of course, I was highly mistaken, and , years later, I open a Scripture I have read over and over and find something new, something that was there before I just didn’t see it…and once again, I fall in love with my first love…and then there’s unconditional love- again, I grew up receiving and giving conditional love. The past 10 months, I have experienced the challenge of giving and receiving unconditional love. I have learned (and am still learning) the selflessness required to give it and the trust needed to receive it…

Happiness…I love Jesus…I love Lue!!! J

In 63 days...

I get to marry this man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :-)
http://www.lungilencube.blogspot.com/

So long overdue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's definitely been way to long!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even realize it's been this long. It's been hectic for sure...between Mission of Mercy and Church stuff, I have barely had enough time to sleep!!!! :-) It's been awesome, though, in so many ways!!!...

I have learned a lot from this busy season...I have learned that I love Lungile Ncube with all my heart. He's not perfect and neither am I, but I would choose no one else to spend the rest of my life with and I am so ready to be his wife. Not just because we get to have a wedding and do fun stuff, but because he has become my best friend and being without him is just not an option. He has me...all of me, and I love it!!!...

....I have learned that Jesus Christ is absolutley crazy about me, and I have got to get that around my head. Ephesians 3- I want to grasp the fullnes of His love. I keep gettting glimpses, little showers, I want it all!!!! I never want to be too busy for Him. He really is all that matters, everything else, even the most amazing man, Lu, is just a bonus...Jesus, take me once again! I am Yours!!!

4 months...17 weeks... 135 days...

I remember a long time ago, well more like 10 or so years back J. I remember hearing about these people who did great things for God. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, I want God to use me like that!” I said that without realizing what is required of those whom God will use mightily-faith! I said that without realizing, truly, what faith is- something we cannot create, a gift that the Father gives to His children/

I remember about a year and a half ago telling Natalie that God was calling me to a life of total dependence in Him- for every single thing. I remember saying, “I ‘m ok with that…”

I remember exactly 1 year ago picking up dog poop while house-sitting for Mark and Kay, tears streaming down my face as my heart prayed, “ Lord, I trust that you either have someone 100 times better or the same guy 100 times better( He has given me the same guy a million time better!! J)

I remember sitting in the floor at my parents’ house after getting off the phone my emotions jerking back and forth between sadness and anger as I prayed, “ Lord, you know when we’re suppose to get married and will work out all the details…DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I remember just a few hours ago as I was driving home listening to the song, “Beautiful Jesus” The lines, “Brilliant Creator, Friend of Mine” struck me. A ll of a sudden, the moon was right there, so close, so beautiful, and it spoke to me, revealed so clearly the revelation of my Father, the Brilliant Creator, the Friend of Mine…the one who has provided so beautifully and so perfectly for Lue and I as we plan to get married in 135 days( 133 day today! J). I cannot begin to tell of all the ‘little’ details He has so beautifully worked out!!!! I got a call from the lovely Shelly Brenan tonight (Thursday night). She happened to remember that I have always talked about wanting to wear a sari to my wedding reception and called to ask if I wanted her to buy me one cause she was going on a missions trip to India !!!! I called Lue and asked him about my dream of wearing a sari to our wedding reception and he said yes in the most beautiful way with the most beautiful words!!!! That is just one example of the many details He is placing so beautifully in place as He weaves it all together!!!

God places dreams in our hearts then HE BRINGS THEM TO PASS. We think of the life of faith as something unusual or ‘special’, but really, if we were to look around us, really look and see the glory of God, we would realize that trusting Him for everything is the most sensible most normal, most natural things to do!!!!

In 135 (133 todayJ) days, I get to begin an amazing new chapter of my life! Jesus, keep you glory always before me…BRILLIANT CREATOR, FRIEND OF MINE!!!

Lists...countdowns...here...

" Real generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present." Albert Camus
Got that from a white sugar thing while Sarah and I were at Cafe Lingo! :-)
It sounds so lovely and noble and right...actually living it out is another story!...I was at the HPC young adult meeting tonight. It was fun, refreshing. We played games, ate, laughed, etc, good fellowship...at the end Roger started to talk about the goals of the young adults ministry. For a moment, I was excited and started thinking of how awesome it will be to build relationships with evryone...and then it hit me...I'm leaving...I don't want to build relationships with people I'm planning on leaving...who does that??

...as I am typing this, it just hit me that that is exactly what Jesus did. He invested Himself in 12 guys for three years knowing very well how and when it would all 'end'. He knew Judas would betray Him, Peter would deny Him, He would die, rise again(PTL!!!!:-)) and then go back to heaven...but He still was ablet to be fully involved, fully present, and pour Himself wholeheartedly into these relationships!!!...

...I understand that in my head, and even accept it in my heart...I think now its a matter of what that looks like on a day to day basis...at church...when having converstaions...when hanging out...etc...He did it, so I guess asking Him to show me how would be a good idea...so that's what I'll do...ask Him to show me how to do this, the way He did it...

Being sick...nose ring drama??

Between being sick and being busy and then being sick again :-) I haven't had much time to sit, process, and blog. Today, I am finally at the point where I feel that my energy levels are not such that I have to work in small increments in order to conserve energy!!! I am myslef again and can work as if I am one of those battery things on the adverts that have 6 times as much power as the other batteries, and I have to say that I am glad, I am happy, I love being well, and I love being able to do stuff!!!

Which brings me to one of my points...being sick the past week was pretty miserable and I kept asking the question I always ask when I'm sick, "What purpose is there in this?" This time I think it was to show me just what an awesome blessing it is to be well, to be healthy, to do all the things I can do( never mind the extras of money and stuff and all the other things we call blessings), just being well, being healthy and strong is such a blessing, and well, today, at 80% energy level, I have been made more fully aware of the blessing that it is, so yay!!!! :-)


In other news, remember the nose ring drama?? Some of you might!:-) Well, my nose ring mysteriously disappeared while I was in Zim last Christmas( the morning after I had asked Lu what he thought of it!!! :-))...and on Saturday, after many days of missing that little addition to my face, I decided to get another one. I went in the shop all by myself, trying not to think about the pain, wishing there was someone to give me moral support, when all of a sudden , my friend Tam and her sister walked up to me, and I was like, 'hey you guys want to be my moral support' They said yes and well the rest is history...we are hoping for a less dramatic experience as I heal :-)

Another really cool thing from being sick this past week was all the love and support. As much as I wear the sign 'Miss Independent' on my head, I really love it when I feel loved and taken care of and don't have to 'run and save the world!! :-)' and I am so thankful for all the love I received while sick...Sarah baked me choc chip cookies- I ate 4 that night and 4 the next morning!!!:-), Portia called me and texted me and kept 'checking on me'!, Becca was actaully sick with me one day :-), Make Nxumalo interceeded( yes, I'm talking serious no joking around prayer!!!:-)) for me, Roger played guitar for me on Friday so I could go home, Diane prayed for me,Paul took me home when my energy level was a bitt too close to zero, Ben said I should go home ( as much as I know I can and should go home when I'm sick, it means a lot when your boss actaully tells you to go home, at least for me :-)), the youth praise and worship team were sweet and kind:-), My mum was motherly and stuff :-), so many more things I can't rememmber...and of course, Lu again claimed first prize as the world's most amazing boyfriend while I was sick!!!!!

Yesterday, I woke up, still physically sick, but my heart was so stirred up, encouraged, and renewed...I sang and played at 200% energy level even though I felt I only had 50%, and it was awesome, He was awesome!!! He has so much He wants to do...Ps Isaac preached about giving what you have from the stroy of the lame man, Peter and John, etc. I was again reminded that I am on a mission, His mission- to go and make disciples- and even when I am sick He is with me to the end of the age, He will see to it that this mission is accomplished!!!! I can't wait to see what all He does...

...

So I have had one of the hardest emotional days that I have ever had or at least remember having in while!!! Normal people would go run or something, but I can't really run :-) so I went to play the keys and wrote this:

A broken heart
A broken heart
A broken and contrite heart
A tearful song
A heart that longs
Through pain You lead me on

You cover me
You cover me
Sing sweetly
Sing sweetly

Rejoice oh my soul
Rejoice oh my soul
He has made me glad
He has made me glad

Faith chooses...

My day has started out on a weird note...I am tempted to 'go with the flow' and become all negative and depressed, but I choose joy, I choose joy...

Zimbabwe, my heart, etc...

The guys- Ps. Ben, Paul, and Tye- just got back from Zim. I was so happy to see them all and of course so hungry(yes, ravished! :-)) for stories from the Zimbabwe. I wanted so badly to hear about this place that will not let go of my heart, these people that I cannot wait to spend eternity with!!!! Some of the stories were funny, all I'm saying is Tye, lizzards? Paul, butterfiles?? :-) Then, they started to metnion names, like Philip, Lesley, Rudo...and places, like How Mine, Saurestown...and my poor little heart almost broke!!!

I have never felt a about any place the way I do about Zimbabwe. I have never loved anyone they way I love Lungile... I can't wait to go to Zim. I can't wait to serve God alongside Lungile...I'm reading 'Crazy Love' by Francis Chan and everyhting in that book speaks so loudly to me. It's challenging at times, but so true and my heart has no choice, but to embrace it!!! God has given me His crazy(unconditional, unfailing, perfect) love for a country and for a man, and I am not the same, I will never be the same, I am officially, eternally ruined!!! And it's so awesome!!!!!

Me and some kids at How Mine!!! Love them!!!

Quotes From 'Crazy Love'

" People who are obsessed with Jesus aren't consumed with their personal safety and comfort above all else. Obsessed people care more about God's kingdom coming to this earth than their own lives being shielded from pain or distress."

" Obsessed people love those who hate them and who can never love them back."

" The idea of holding back certainly did not come from Scripture. The Bible teaches us to be consumed with Christ and to faithfully live out His words."

" There has to be more to our faith than friendliness, politeness, and even kindness."

" Godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Tim 6:6

" People who are obsessed with Jesus live lives that connect them with the poor in some way or another."

" Why is it that the story of someone who has actually done what Jesus commands resonates deeply within us, but we then assume we could never do anything so radical/intense? or why do we call it radical when, to Jesus, it is simply the way it is? The way it should be?"

"A person who is obsessed with Jesus will do things that don't always make sense in terms of success or wealth on this earth. As Martin Luther put it, 'There are two days on my calendar:this day and that day.'

Matthew 6:33

When Jesus said to seek first He kingdom and His righteousness, He wasn't asking or telling us to ignore those things that make up our day to day lives- the rent, the bills, food, clothes, etc. He was just telling us to make sure we don't have it backwards. In the verses before that He tells us not to worry. He doesn't say, "Don't need", "Don't plan", or "Don't want". He says, "Don't worry".Why? Because" your heavenly Father knows that you need them" God made us, and He made us to live on earth, this earth, at this time. He is fully aware of and intricately involved in the details of how things run here. He knows what we need to love here...He also knows and reminds us often that this earth is temporal, there bodies are vessels, tents, containers, a means to an end, and that 'end' is eternity with Him. But he is fully aware of the fact tat for there to be an end there must be a means, and He is the sovereign, loving Father who has it all under control.The ends, the means, the containers, its all in His very detailed, awesome plan- a plan that is motivated by the passionate, relentless love that draws Him to us!!!

Weakness...

"The same power that conquered the grave lives in me..." Hillsong United

Ephesians 3:20 says something similar, " ...according to His power at work in us..."

I am filled with such excitement as I look to the future. So many possibilities, so much opportunity to make an eternal difference in so many lives.The life I always desired( even when I didn't realize it) is before me, waiting for me to 'jump in'. All of this, however, also brings me closer to the place of dependence...on Him. It's not a place of weakness. It is a place where my weaknesses are seen for whast they are- weaknesses! At the same time, the very same time, I can ay wiht the Apostle Paul in 2 Cor 12:10, " Therefore, I will boast all te more gladly about my weakness, so that Christs' powe may rest on me." I will not be shy/embarrassed about teh fact that on my own I am scared, I am emotionally incapable of 'handling it', I don't ahve enough money, I don't ahve enough talent, I lack in so many ways...so I offer all thse things to Him as an opportunity for Him to 'show up and show off' on my behalf! Once again, I am His needing and needy child and His is my Perfect Father.The one who...
"is able to do immeasurably more than allwe cn ask or imagine according to His power that is AT WORK WITHIN US, to Him be glory..."

From "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan...

" This place of trust isn't a comfortable place to be; in fact it flies in the face of everything we've been taught about proper planning.We like finding refuge in what we already have rather than in what we hope God will provide. But when Christ says to count the cost of following Him, it means we must surrender everything. It means being willing to go without an extra tunic or a place to sleep at night, and sometimes without knowing where we are going..."

" He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn't come through"

" But love your enemies, do good to them and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful just a s your Father is merciful."Luke 6:34-36

"When it's hard and you are doubtful GIVE MORE."

Luke 14:12-14

A Perfect Gift...

The past month has been...I don't know how to describe it, really, but it's definitely been good, great, amazing in so many ways...


This absolutely amazing guy in the picture there with me has been a huge part of why I've had such an awesome month, not because this month has been all about him, or because my life is all about him. Rather, he has weaved himself into my life, and, in the most beautiful way, the most loving way, he has brought me closer to the place I desire to be- at the feet of the One I love!!!... I have learned lessons in faith, 'letting go', receiving... I have come to know God's goodness in such a real way, I have forsaken fear for faith and am ready to go where I know He is leading me...I have learned to hear clearly as He speaks to me...I love it...I am so thankful for the perfect gift He has given me in giving me Lungile...

Only You...

Only You

David Crowder

Take my heart, I lay it down

At the feet of you whose crowned

Take my life, I’m letting go

I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord only You, Lord

And I will bow down before You only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear

All I have, I’m leaving here

Be all my hopes, be all my dreams

You're my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now

Only you and me here now

He calls me His Beloved, His Child, His Friend...

From Christ For the Nations Institue

Jesus the most beautiful
Name of all names
Jesus the only Name
that brings healing and strength

When I speak Your name,
Mountains move, chains are loosed
When I speak Your name,
Darkness flees; it has no hold on me

Jesus, most beautiful name that I know
You're the exalted One
Jesus, You have the power alone
You lift the lowly one, Jesus

Jesus the most wonderful
Name of all names
Jesus the only Name
that brings freedom and hope

Be exalted, Be exalted
Be exalted higher and higher!!!!

Zim pics and details coming soon! :-)

" If I testify about Myself, My testimony is not valid. There is Another who testifies about Me, and I know that the testimony He gives about Me is valid." John 5:31-32...

I read John 5 yesterday, and was going to read chapter 6 today, but when I opened my Bible this verse from chapter 5 stood out to me...

I learned many things from the most amazing man ever, Lungile Ncube while I was in Zim, and one of the things I learned was that I really do have an unhealthy concern for what people think of me. Now, I strongly believe in being an example and living my life aware of the fact that I am being 'watched'. I believe I need to be accountable to people and should be open to advice, correction, etc, but at the same time, I cannot let people's opinions (good or bad) determine the decisions I make in life....

In the verse above, Jesus said, He knew that the testimony His Father gave about Him was valid. The more I know what God says about me, what He thinks, and truly believe that, the more freedom I will have to live the life that He has called me to live( a life that will be filled with challenges and opposition and trials and times of questions and doubt and being 'alone' etc)...this is one of those things that seems obvious, and we talk about all the time, but some of us a little slow and take a while to get it! :-)