9 days...

So, i have kinds of figured out the past few days, well, at least I feel that I can explain it( my need to have things explained is another thing that we-the Lord and I are working on-). You see, I have been living in this place, this new place. I think I can call it Faith-ville. It's the place where faith is no longer optional, but rather necessary, vital, you need it and there's no way around it!! For a long time I lived in this other place where faith was optional. I could choose to have it and other times I was ok without it(cause I would draw from my 'own abilities'. I had come up with a system where my faith in God was selective. He, of course, did not put His stamp of approval on it, but rather graciously brought me 'to my senses'

...and so I embarked on the journey to Faith-ville. On my journey I experienced things such as 'surrender', 'trust', 'brokenness', 'His ways vs my way( His ways winning over mine! :-)), and great joy and peace

...eventually, I arrived in Faith-ville and, well, as a newcomer I have found that, first of all, it took a while for me to realize that I had arrived in Faith-ville and secondly, I did not know 'how to live' in Faith-ville...

...so now I am learning what it looks like being in Faith-ville, and i have just learned one thing that will make my stay here much more 'pleasant'. When you are in Faith-ville, you become more fully aware of your inadequacy, you realize that you are powerless without Him, truly and utterly inadequate and powerless, but with that realization, must also come the realization of the truth that 'that is how He wants it'. He wants you to be the empty vessel into which He can pour Himself into. It's not just ok for me to have all these questions and needs, it's how He meant it to be...He is the good Father who is waiting to give His children good gifts, all kinds of good gifts...Because of my twistedness, I was totally thrown off and even afraid of my feelings/awareness of how inadequate I am without Him, of how much I need Him (for the simple day to day, basic stuff!!!). I felt like I was doing something wrong by needing Him so much(yeah, like I said, I am twisted! :-)- He graciously untwists me!)

Have this up on my desk(thanks Nat!) from Streams in the Desserts:

"Bring them here to me. Matthew 14:18...Do you find yourself at this very moment surrounded with needs,and nearly overwhelmed with difficulties, trials, and emergencies? Each of these is God's way of providing vessels for the Holy Spirit to fill...Firmly hold the vessels before Him, in faith and in prayer. Remain still before Him, and stop your own restless working until He begins to work... Philippians 4:19 What a source- God! What a supply- His glorious riches! What a channel- Jesus Christ...In His great love, He has thrown open to you His exhaustive treasury.Go in and draw upon Him in simple childlike faith, and you will never again have the need to rely on anything else!"

I need to read that everyday for the rest of my life!!!! :-)