Did anybody say battlefiled??

"I'll risk it all if you make me like You"

I said that that, sang that, and i meant it, I really did. I was willing to give it all up...for Him, I still am...I just have been having some really intense battles in my mind concerning this idea of risking all, giving up all, it's like all of a sudden I am so much more acutely aware of the all that I am being asked to risk or give up, and my mind is struggling with 'accepting' it. Its really weird and well, I don't like it at all!!! Can I just say that? I don't like it, I hate it,It sucks, highly sucks!!!...its not the giving it all up that sucks;its more the realsing that I am all of a sudden having such a hard time with it, not the 'normal struggles' you're 'supposed' to have, no I am having the specially made for you struggles, you know the one that make you think, " I can' t do this, I don't want to do this" and even as the words roll off your tongue you are struck with shame as you realize that you are saying to the One who gave you His life, "I don't trust You" and at the same time struck with anger as you realize the lies that you have somehow allowed to consume you!!!

...So I read Scriptures like this one from 2 Corinthians 5: " And He died for all that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for Him who died for them and was raised again" and I think of Him who died as He prayed in the Garden, "Take this cup from me if you can", and I am acutely aware of the 'smallness' of the sacrifice He is asking me to make and also reminded of my love for Him...I want to give it all up for Him because I love Him..." For Christ's love compels us..."...and I am like ok, let's do this. It won't be easy, there's no plan all set out for me necessarily, lots of faith will be required, but let's do this!! And I am good...

...and then another 'situation' comes up and my mind goes crazy again. I am talking crazy craziness!!! ...So I go and spend some time with Him and again He helps me see that things will be ok, even more than ok, and again I am sure of what He is asking me to do...and then something else happens, a need, a situation I can compare myself to, a thought, a question, a doubt, something else I don't have and I am back to the mind going crazy deal!!!!...the thing is I know all the right things to 'think', I know the truth, that's not the problem...really its like there's a battle going on in my mind...I will keep fighting as long as I have to, it's just really tiring and far from fun!!!...

...I guess I am sharing this so you can pray for me cause I definitely need lots of that, and maybe if anyone else can relate you can be encouraged somehow, I guess by knowing you're not the only one having crazy mind moments!! :-)